On my way to recovery

Recovery

I fear becoming well again

I fear what the recovery will lead too

I fear the demands that will come when I am well

I fear what kind of work I will get when I am well.

This fear keeps me from doing things will make feel better.

I know it is ridicules

To fear getting well

Be recovered from illness

I want to get better more than anything.

I just know what demands there are on those

Who are well, recovered!

Stressful life full of demands

Boring meaning less work

And I will be an oracle a voice for The Goddess

Please don’t misunderstand me.

It is a great honour to be a voice of The Goddess

Be an oracle.

But I can’t handle people’s accusations harsh words about the channellings.

People often react badly to harsh messages.

I also can’t handle getting well then crash and get sick again

Cause I couldn’t handle the pressure strife in life.

I really hate myself for this

I am so ashamed of my self

The Goddess has been so good to me

So patient, giving me strength and courage to move on.

And all I do is complain and whine.

I sound so ungrateful.

I am not ungrateful

I am very grateful

I just have these fears

I can’t help that.

I am just so insecure.

I don’t want to make Her angry at me

Or disappoint Her.

I don’t know what the future holds for me.

I don’t know what terrible challenges

I will be facing

The Goddess answers

It won’t be harder than you can handle

Trust it will work well.

You are only harming yourself

With resisting changes

Resisting to do what will

Make you feel better, recover.

You are the one who loses on not doing

Yoga and mindfulness

Use cbt dbt to sort out

Your emotions, your issues.

If not you will just get worse

And the doctors will give you stronger medications

That will damage you sedate you.

You fear losing control of your life

But not doing what you can to get better

Is giving up your powers your control, giving in

Let the illness win.

Don’t let the fears and insecurity you feel win.

Don’t let the pain and anxiety

You feel during doing what’s good for you stop you.

The best thing you can do is focus on what you will gain

If you are feeling better you are able to create more

May even have the strength to put up art in art galleries

I just don’t believe in any good for me anymore

No joy, happiness or success.

It hurts too much to get crushed devastated.

Get my hopes up

Start to dream and plan

To just be faced with my limits

And what I will get in life.

I will be used and broken again.

I wouldn’t mind being used

If I just got some success in life.

It is just that I feel and fear that I am supposed to

So many things. Much demands on me.

But when want something

I rarely get it. Cause that is not a priority.

It hurt so much

It makes me feel so useless.

Like I am just a serf or slave

That are only for being used

Do what is demanded of her.

I don’t know more than that

I will be demanded to channel.

It is not that mind as much as I

Fear where it will lead me.

Fear what I will hear

Fear how others will respond

It didn’t go well the last times.

I got kicked out from a few groups

Cause the channellings wasn’t

Bright and positive.

I understand the need of these less pleasant messages

I just don’t want to lose friends

The Goddess answered me

It won’t be that personal

Just post it on the blog you have for the channellings.

How others react to the messages aren’t your problem

Trust that the right persons will read and listen to it.

Just be open and receiving

If your friends can’t separate my words from yours

And leave you cause of the channelings

They aren’t really your friends.

Do you like to connect to Avalon, my child?

Yes I do.

I love doing the Avalon rituals and

Meditations it really helps me.

It is so wonderful to connect to

Lady of Avalon in all Her aspects and faces.

And so you should.

I feel stronger and more connected when I am with

Rhiannon and Morgen Le Fay.

As long as I focus on them and on You.

My path and my life feels better.

Then you should do so everyday

When I think about the reality

My harsh life.

It is so much I am missing out from

I can’t afford going to those expensive

Priestess training in Glastonbury

I feel like I am missing out on so much

By not living there, not taken those trainings.

When people says it wasn’t your will for me it

Breaks my heart.

Cause how can that not be your will?

So there is only through those exclusive training

People can honour me?

Do you think you are the only one who hasn’t,

been able to go to a training they wanted?

It is I who initiate you.

All you seek is within

Books, meditations rituals path working chants

Can help you. Those you already have.

You are just as worthy as any other person who done the

Glastonbury training or any other training.

This is just your low self-esteem talking.

Okay thank you My Lady.

About your art career dreams

People don’t understand you or your art.

That doesn’t make you less.

Just cause you never made into art university

Got an successful art career

It doesn’t make you or your art trash

No one is stopping you from doing art

You can always get better at drawing and painting.

Remember practise makes perfect.

You are drawing and painting to heal your soul

And to honour us Gods.

To enlighten people about endangered animals

Yes.

Those are the purpose of your art.

Many people never sell anything

Goes through same as you.

It doesn’t make either of you less of an artist

Okay thank you My Lady

I just wonder why I never get a job I like

It is just trashy jobs I hate I get

I would like something creative

Not working as nurse or baker

Cause the stress makes me sick.

Those jobs aren’t right for you.

There are better stuff for you to do.

You have no idea what the future holds for you

No I don’t. It scares me.

Do you trust me

Yes I do

But…

It is just that the realistically possibilities for me are small

And I want more. I want what I can’t have

There is your problem

You focus on what you can have

And are missing out of what can have.

The acceptance of reality as it is

Accept what you can’t ever change what you can’t ever get.

See what you actually can achieve

See the hidden blessings

By just waiting for life to get better!

For your dreams coming true

Procrastinating yourself makes you worse.

It makes you upset to watch life fly by

Where you are stuck in the mud.

You are forgetting to use your powers

Your strength to change your life.

If you are often very negative

Letting your issues overwhelm you

Ignore doing what’s good for you

Your life won’t get better and will stuck where you are right now

Your nervousness, worries and fears

Are just that fears nervousness

Strife toward the light

Don’t give into the despair

Don’t let shadows your fears rule you

Your inner despair darkness

Turns to panic attacks

Voices from the past

The psychological demons

Are haunting you.

Remember they only have the power

You give them

With giving in to the despair anxiety issues

By believing its lies.

Why would I or any other Gods

Torment you with making sure you are always miserable

Always so anxious, nervous, insecure and scared

Life’s harsh lessons the challenges you get

Are to make you stronger

They don’t mean eternal suffering as you fear.

You are worthy to have joy, love, be happy and successful.

With a more positive realistic approach on your life goals

You feel better gain back the control of your life.

Love

Love

Love is strange

Love is odd and illogical

Love is temptation

Love is more than just lust and seduction

Love is makes us crazy and vulnerable

Love is the beginning and end of it all

Love can also be endless pain, heartbreak.

Love is devouring as well as enlightening.

I have never had a long relationship with a man

I have only had a few shorter relationships.

I have been in love many times.

But almost always either the one I love doesn’t love me

Or even want to give me a chance get to know me.

Or they just turn out to be some creep, an asshole.

Who just want my body

Nothing makes me feel cheaper than that.

I don’t have sex with men before we are in a relationship,

We have been on several dates. And are in love.

If others have sex right away that’s fine with me.

I don’t judge others I don’t even care what others

do as long as all are aware, consenting, off age

In my 20´s I had several one nightstands.

 Not one of them wanted to meet me again

Not one wanted to get to know me.

All that it gave me was a broken heart trashy reputation

Strange guys would come up to me ask for a quickie.

I felt so disgusted by myself and them.

I didn’t do it. Because I realized it would get me loved.

No one would want me.

One time I got raped because a scum put some drug

In my drink when I turned away for a second

 then dragged me home to him.

Raped me the whole night.

Not all men are this evil,

But I am being very careful

I am paranoid

No one is ever going get a chance to harm me again.

I don’t take any chances.

I rather live alone

Live in celibacy then ever getting the risk of being abused again.

I don’t care if I am odd or strange in other people’s eyes

I won’t risk my safety for something

I doubt exist

Love, sex relationship for me.

I am okay with it, I don’t need it.

I have gotten over the feelings betrayal and pain from the past.

My problem is more that I have given up on love a long time ago.

I don’t believe in love anymore.

I don’t believe there is any love passionate relationship for me.

In many ways I don’t care.

There is other kinds of love

Like love from The Gods, angels to all living

Love between me and my cats, family friends.

Forbidden fruit, forbidden love

Since the love I have had,

 The men I have had crush on been in love with

 either abused me, hurt me deeply or

 just didn’t return my love.

My lovesick heart and soul looked f

or love passion at other places.

As a teenager and in my 20s and early 30s

I experienced so much heart break, so much devastation,

misery that I wanted nothing more than to die most of the time.

It was during this time that spirituality got more and more important to me.

Silly as it sounds it was a book called god on a Harley,

and movies about angels,  

That started my love adoration and became

 obsession about Jesus and Archangel Michael

I just want to clarify it was them as Deities

as I experienced them in my love hero worship as I saw them.

And it was also way to protect myself against the cruel world.

 It had nothing to with the bible or some judgements.

It was just loving very much new age

I needed more and found The Goddess

first Hecate and Artemis that I followed  worshipped

along with angels and Jesus, Mary.

Was a Christo pagan then!

It was harsh at times cause I couldn’t handle my issues or life without using magic or cut myself.

I was destructive and unstable.

And had trouble connect to anyone but Virgin Mary and archangel Michael.

Most of it went away when The Morrigan camr into m,y life.

That was a few years later.

She came a time when I was depressed suicidal

In my dreams she picked me up in her arms and held me as she fought

Negativity/ black things around me.

The Morrigan´s presence has mostly been strong

Sometimes stronger sometimes less strong.

She wanted me for Herself the first years

A few years later I  got to know a few other

Goddesses from the same pantheon.

I met the Archangel Michael in silence,

for me it was forbidden love. And the tought of doing this nasty

was scary and exiting.

The Lady knew of course what I was doing and with whom.

I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought.

It was never my intention to be disloyal to Her

Or disrespectful. I just wanted to my angel friend.

The Lady understood that.

She didn’t seem to care about that.

I still kept seeing him sometimes for comfort and support.

It felt good to be loved and cared for.

That he was an angel that cared about me made it even better.

One day I met The God of Sun and Storm Lugh

The bringer of light and master of skill

I got along great with him and are devoted to Him as well.

He reminds me of Michael and the Greek Apollo.

I love the Sun, and it’s cool with a God who is

Also a master of skills, artisans.

I try to connect to him with my art, meditation

Walks in the sun, forests.

The past years I have felt that I am not worthy

That Lugh doesn’t really like me or want me.

I can be so very insecure unsure of my place

My worth and are so scared to do wrong

And I was confused by what he wanted of me and

what it meant to be a pagan nun

A pagan nun

I read about it couple of times on the web

It felt like a good solution for me

It feels and felt so right.

Basically it is about to devote yourself to a god be his.

I can’t really explain what the difference

is with being a witch priestess or pagan nun.

So if you wander what a pagan nun is look it up the only thing I found was

About a girl devoted to Loki as his pagan nun

And she was faithful to him.

I think Loki had some grounds rules for her.

What caught my interest was that this girl

had much misery, bad luck in love,

life general like me and she wanted to be loved

and devoted her god that would take special care of her.

What I originally wanted archangel Michael

but never really put my foot down and demanded it.

Only asked for it  once  and promised She would

Always number one in my heart and mind

As She had demanded when I got to know

Brigid and Rhiannon, Macha.

When I asked The Goddess Morrigan

If she would let me be devoted like that to him

She just said we´ll see

And few months later I met Lugh and it clicked right away.

I was so fascinated by him, I was okay not seeing Michael

For month. He was happy that I found someone else

It felt like a crush

As you probably guessed I am a sucker for tragic,

forbidden impossible love stories, Romeo Juliette.

Nicolette and Accussin, Lancelot and Guinevere,

Tristan and Isolt, dark age old love stories.

Beautiful, magical romantic. Nothing that exist in the reality.

There are TV series where couples romance are special to me.

I like the charmed ones even if they have all facts wrong as in Buffy.

It is wonderful to see the love stories over and over

Between the witch Phoebe and half demon Cole,

 but so fatal, beautiful romantic tragic.

I also love the love story between the witch Piper

and the angel/white lighter Leo.

I also love to watch the Buffy and vampires and angel series

Cause of Angel Buffy love story. And Spike buffy love story.

 Angel series are cool as any others where a bad guy

Redeems himself of past wrong doings/evil deeds.

Cole, Spike, Angel all of them does that.

I know its wrong stupid of me to watch this shit.

 I also love watching Marvel movies like Avengers 1,2,

Thor 1,2, Captain America and Ironman movies all of them.

 As well as the Hobbit movies and Lord of the rings movies.

I have tried to write fanfiction about my favourite characters but it didn’t work out well. I wasn’t interested enough to put much effort either.

I prefer to read, work on my art or do magic

Devotion

Avalon

I yearn for Avalon

I want to be a priestess of Avalon

As I have said before.

I am now working with my Avalonian books,

 Avalon within

Priestess of Avalon- priestess of the goddess books

using my tarot deck from the realm which have awesome pictures,

and the avalonian oracle.

I feel that this helping me create balance and peace in my life.

I am opening myself to The Lady

Connecting with her with my daily devotions

Meditations and rituals at esbats and sabbats.

At esbats and sabbats, I do drawing down the moon

Drawing Her energy into me,

Opening myself to her

I trust her

I will channel her when I am ready.

It is strange that I have objections about channelling

Since I am always very eager to hear what She has to say

what Their opinions are

It was wrong of me to try to use the channelling

as a way  to trade, get my way in life.

I am sure many would say that I made it filthy

Cheapen the channelling because I wanted stuff for myself

Wanted a better life, success.

Can I channel?

Do drawing down the moon!

Healing of the world nature!

Without expectations?

Without hope for reward?

Sure since I don’t expect anything anymore

Sure.

How can I have hope and faith?

And not expect good things for myself?

Perhaps with just stay open

Focused on the task at hand

Do what I need to feel good as well as,

What She requests of me.

Avoid stressing over things I can’t change

and effect anyway

Try to stay open and positive

Focus on being the best me I can be

Yes I did turn 40 this year not 90

I can still achieve many things

There are stuff I have can do

Goals to meet.

I just have to be more realistic what is actually possible for me achieve

I also get inspiration from Her during meditation how I can

Shift focus on my goals.

Like instead of thinking that I want to need to loose

100 lbs or focus on 25 lbs at times to loose.

Focus on getting out everyday

Walking for hours, do other exercise and yoga

Control my eating.

That will make less obsessed by my weight and calories

And focus more on my health

Get in shape

Become fit so I can walk more

Bike for hours one day.

I am too heavy for my lousy bike.

I hope to be able get a new bike next year.

If I can avoid comfort myself with sweets

Overeat and binging

I will lose weight and save money.

Focus on what I love

I love walking and biking in the nature,

Listen to the birds, look at trees and flowers

Meditate relax just sense the trees,

Flowers and energies.

I yearn to travel to Ireland and The UK

visit Glastonbury the Somerset

It is a good goal to have to get there,

want to bike around ring of Kerry in Ireland

do pilgrimages in Glastonbury

But I shouldn’t forget that there are

Lovely mystical places here in Sweden as well

Closer possible for me to visit often.

About my art focus on what need to learn’

What I want to draw paint

Practise what I have trouble with

Don’t make it harder than necessary

make it simple

Don’t be afraid of failing

Don’t be afraid of show my accomplishments

Share my new paintings on the fantasy galleries on the web.